Haul

Copyright 2013 Victoria House
Do not copy or redistribute
Posted to Keith's Interweb by the author

Haul

What is there to tell?  I’ve made a long life’s living trucking, and I suppose that’s what I’ve got to continue to do.  Nowadays I mainly haul “Safe-T’s” the SafeT cars and SUVs.  It’s much the same as hauling anything else, except now I don’t have to hide my shotgun.  My momma always told me to hide the shotgun, but things have changed a bit since poppa’s days trucking around the contiguous forty-eight.  “Sadie, you keep your gun hidden from those cops, they’ll have your head for being brown without having a gun,” she’d say.  I don’t worry much about cops anymore though.  It’s considered suicidal to drive without a SafeT anymore so I’m written off as insane, and it’s not like I could hurt anyone in one of those cars.  Inertia-dampening panels for crashes, nearly un-dentable, shiny, round disks with smooth wheels that I haven’t seen wear out yet.  I’ve heard, just heard, that people’s internal organs have smashed against their ribcages but the outside was still pretty enough after bouncing around the highway like a silver ball in a machine a few times.

My preferred route?  Nowadays is the old route 66, the major highways being too busy anymore and full of the stuff I pull behind me.  These SafeT’s are the most boring cars I’ve ever seen, but everyone wants one anyways.  Yeah, they’re heavy, and yeah this machine ain’t very efficient anymore, but it’s the best way to get the cars around since people stopped using the railroad.  You can’t steer a train out of the way at all.  And of course everyone lives in the cities where lasers zap anything not earth-lifeform or Zenox at a mile out.  Must be a bit boring there.

Reminds me of a friend of mine, Joe Clark (mayherestinpeace) drove a train cross country since the Before Times, pulling who knows what and who cares what as long as the wind was in his face.  When Our Friends the Zenox (All mighty and saving our sorry selves) came down from space, he was in the Rockies, and he didn’t hear the news till a day later than most of us.  The aliens have arrived!  They’ve got the cure to cancer!  They’ve got all kinds of technology, and they’re going to share it.  

Anyway, about 5 years later we saw the first Blade Eater and I think Joe (mayherestinpeace) must’ve seen the second that was, because one of his trains just was never heard from again.  Eaters would have done his train to nothing, with teeth that move back and forth a bit for metal grinding, it couldn’t’ve lasted more than an hour.  Like a shark on steroids, taking down a surfer after a long fast.  Luckily they ain’t big, and they have an allergy to most hardwoods.  A wooden crossbow bolt takes ‘em right out, but not oak.  Don’  I don’t suppose it was much comfort to Joe Clark (mayherestinpeace) that he got spit out after he got chewed up.  I don’t want to think about the niche they fill on the Zenox home planet, though I’ve heard there’s a bit more metal to be had.

They were good hunting for a couple of years but we got rid of them quick enough once we found out the Zenox had accidentally dropped a few, that’s probably before you remember.  There isn’t anything for them to eat outside cities anyway, besides trucks, formerly trains, and SafeT’s.  SafeT’s have a built in defense system, so they’re all right.  They’ll shoot wood, lead, silver, or sand dust, depending on the enemy they’ve detected.

Missouri.  Not my favorite state, nor my least favorite, I’ll reserve that for one of the ones I can’t get to easily by truck.  Speaking of Blade Eaters, I’m comin’ out into the boondocks, so I’d better check my crossbows too.  Can’t be too careful.  My radar ain’t scanned anything worth pingin’ for the past couple hundred miles, and I don’t like it quiet.  I’m thinkin’ my sweeps are too low, so here we - there.   There’s a flock of Purple People Eaters - two eyed, two horned, but who’s countin’ - circling the truck.  I’ll have to pull over to the side, ready to do the world a service for low pay, and ain't it always the same?  This is the button ta’ lower the truck’s metal armor over the tires and windshield.  Old tech, but it does the trick.  Cameras on and the FPPE’s have come quite a bit closer in the past minute, haven’t they.  Let’s just anchor and fire a Dummy.

My uncle one-armed-Bob (The Flying Purple People Eaters got the other arm) always used to love to tell us how to cook the bastards.  And alligator.  And shark.  A predator’s predator, Bob was.  Scars across his head made haircuts a long job.  He always says he eats enough for 5 people so it’ll take 5 birds to carry him off.  F-P-P-E’s are long and lean, and we’ve all heard the bedtime stories, but I don’t know why they’d fly.  Bob’s arm went to an old lady bird napping in her nest on the ground in Tennessee.  They’re a bit stupid really, they lay their bright purple eggs just about anywhere and roll them into the nests.  He kind of just got in the way of the beak, the way I understand.  I don’t see how they survived anywhere, but I hear the gravity is lighter where Zenox are from.  They barely get off the ground here, and though we call them people eaters, they have a heck of a time taking more than an arm at least on purpose.  They got real lucky with Uncle One-Arm.

So the Dummy is named for the dumb birds, and because it’s kind of like store mannequin but with a missile inside.  F-P-P-E’s ain’t too bright, and they’re off after it every time, ha!  I push this here, and the radio-detonation takes care of most of the flock.  Pardon me but look at that rain of purple feathers, pretty really, and a couple of floppy bodies raining down, maybe you should throw up over there or anywhere except in the truck.  I’m glad our gravity is a bit too much for 'em anyway.

And no, my truck is not a SafeT, so you can stop looking nervous or leave now and sit in the back in one of those damn useless lumps I’m dragging.  It’s all custom built by me, using new tech and lots of old as I can afford it.  I can say the engine is pretty damn expensive and efficient regardless.  I hardly have to stop for gas, though catch a SafeT stopping ever, psh.  It’ll do, unless you’re offering me money.  Didn’t think so.  So a part of the conditions for our wonderful new technology as you know, cure for cancer, living to 100, and all other good things, was that we stop fighting our “silly wars” over oil.  

Up ahead, of course using the best path available which just happens to be my road, there’s another herd of black elephants.  I’ll use this shotgun now.  There’s only about 30 here, but I’m going to have to kill one or two to scare them away, and you can wait here.  I’ll need sharp point bullets for them, and hope they hit.

Now, my momma and poppa first encountered the black elephants in Canada, Saskatchewan somewhere.  The dust they raised looked like shows you see about the Plains in Africa, the things were stampeding.  They don’t quite look like elephants, though they’re close, they don’t have the big earflaps or little tails.  They hold those trunks like snakes when they’re running. 

Well my parents came right up to the herd and stopped, watching them run across the road.  They weren’t very fast.  They weren’t very big either, about 2 feet tall by 3 feet long, with little elephant feet and wrinkled black skin.  They started taking over the plains in a big way when I was young, stealing grazing land like mad.  Luckily they didn’t want to eat any people, although they're about the only thing that doesn't.  The first group to hunt them got shot themselves from the rubber skin.  I guess that makes us glue, huh?  It’s really too bad about the wild horses and the bison.

Well anyway it looks like the sharp points worked, gun’s still good and we’re not glue today.  We’re lucky they went the other way, herding with a gun is a real pain in my butt.

  

Havens, well, we’ll need a Haven to sleep at.  I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, the Zenox don’t suck and those cancer cures sure are nice.  The Havens are great, and a girl can get a solid night’s-or four hour’s-sleep.  Nah, there ain’t another vehicle due for days I’d say.  But it’s safe here for as long as you like, and all the machine-generated nutri-food in hundreds of flavors you can eat.

The good end of the deal?  I dunno, my life is about the same, plus or minus a few gunshots.  And of course everything wants you dead.

What’s it like for you then, being a young big-city reporter?